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Slap in the face

Over the past week or so, I've been treating my friend like crap. I deserve a slap in the face. I was a real jerk to her, and I blew my top. She was (is) my best friend. I don't know why I did it, but I guess for you to understand I'd have to tell you the whole story. (All names have been edited out for privacy.)
I gave **** a flower, one I made myself, and it took freaking forever too. I stayed up multiple nights trying to perfect it. But that wasn't all I did, I wrote her a "note" on it too before I folded it into the flower.
So far, you may already be wondering why I did it. Sometime previously, I was talking to her on MSN, and we somehow got into the conversation of if she likes me/if I like her. She ended up telling me she liked me, and I ended up telling her I liked her. So later on I gave her the flower I made her.
On our next MSN conversation, she started explaining to me some of the questions I wrote on the note, and she started getting into stuff like, "There are better girls out there," and things like, "I knew you were just using B***** H**** to get closer to me," and stuff like, "I always knew I was your 'stargirl' but I didn't want to accept it."
Those should have been my first hints. So after that, (The rest I don't remember too well. SERIOUSLY! I think I don't want to remember them, I only wanted to remember the other kind of stuff.) We were talking about that and everything, then pretty soon she just flat out told me, that I didn't like her, "You don't love me," Just like that.
Now how am I supposed to respond to that? I think it is very confusing. I mean, I think I should know who I really like, right? Not that fun of a situation to be in. How I end up reacting to it however, is 'depression.' I become pretty sad, and I just start saying stuff like, "Well that just crushed my sense of reality." That was my first mistake.
I think she took it as I was blaming her for 'crushing my life,' but that isn't what I was trying to say. I just meant that it sort of, 'blew my mind' so to speak. It really struck curiosity in my mind. It made me start to think about what she meant by that.
Before I go any further, I think it is important for you to know that she was my best friend. I always took her word for anything even remotely close to 'serious' relationships (for a teenager anyways), or things like BFs & GFs. She always had advise on things like this, like when I used to like B*****. If she said something completely stupid, (Those of you who know her, ya ha ha ha. I didn't mean it like that.) I'd believe her unless one of two things happens.
First, if I know personally it isn't true, and I'm 100% sure.
Or Second, if I know she's joking, or I think she's just kidding.
But otherwise I relied on her for things like this, so what do I do when she says that I don't 'like' her. What am I supposed to do then? Afterwards, (if I remember this right) I think she was mad at me, because she thought I was blaming her for 'crushing' my life and reality. Ya, actually, I think that's it. I remember she said something about it towards the end of the conversation. Something like, "You know what? YOUR the one who gave me that flower. YOU told me to read it. It's not fair for blaming ME for 'crushing' your life!" Or something like that anyways.
So after that, she starts to ignore me, and she won't speak to me. She was avoiding me in the halls, and when I tried to ask her what was wrong (and explain all of this, along with trying to talk it out with each other.) the most she ever said was, "I'm not mad, I'm thinking." That was her response when I asked her if she was mad at me for something. She wouldn't say what she was thinking about, but that isn't my business (I guess?).
After a while, I started to become really mad at her, (or at least I thought I was mad at her. But I'll explain that later on.) and I did something stupid. I can't really remember what this something was, because it was pushed out of my head by this next thing.
After she was still ignoring me for a second, and not answering or making any comment to what I said I felt about her. I figured she was still gonna think about it, and I was fine with that. Especially since that meant there was a chance she'd... (Go out with me? (I hate that phrase.) Date me? (Probably not that serious, unless I had a couple of 4-leaved clovers in my pocket.) "Like" me?) So I was just gonna let her think it out, or do whatever she needed to.
After this continued for a while however, I noticed that on MSN, she had her quote to "I Love J" and I just blew it off me, because I thought she already had that on there, and she just never changed it. (This ended up NOT being true.) So I forgot about it.
Later, I was gonna send her a message on MSN, (She was Offline, but it would send it to her when she logged-in.) but the first thing I noticed was her display picture. It was a picture of her and her boyfriend from *** (The school she used to go to.) making out. I was really hurt by this. (I thought) She put up that picture, and changed her quote, and was ignoring me because it was her way of saying, "No, I hate you L***," as rude as she could.
What you are about to read, was really selfish, mean, hurtful, and uncalled for. What I did was very rude, and I'm suffering from it already, so If you wouldn't mind, I would not like any comments on what I did wrong about the following section. I've heard enough of them, believe me.]
I became REALLY mad at this, and decided that I would hurt her feelings, and that I would make her feel like crap. This was a mistake. This was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life, and I would give up my life if I didn't do this.
First, I took that picture she had on her MSN, (using a Screenshot) and I posted it up on my old Window's Live Space blog. Along with a very mean and rude (and NOT TRUE) story and things about her. I also called her really bad names that I wish I wouldn't have said.
Then, (Ya, there's more.) I signed up for a STUPID MySpace account, just so I could be mean to her on that. I made up some weird account, and I clicked the "Send a message" button in her profile. I put in the subject, "Hey! I didn't know you had a MySpace!" and then, in the MESSAGE, I put, stuff like, "I hate you. Your a *****, and I never want to talk to you again." (OK, you can comment on the stuff after this now if you want.)
Ya, really harsh, mean, uncalled for, and NOT TRUE. I'll regret that for the rest of my life. The next day, (after she read them) I assumed she was going to slap me, and I wouldn't blame her. I was ready for it the whole day. Nothing. She didn't even come close. She didn't glare, she didn't cry, she didn't even acknowledge that I came to school.
Right now I wish she would have slapped me.
What she's doing is even worse. (From my point of view) She's not only ignoring me still, but now she ISN'T avoiding me. She just ignores me, but seems to follow me around or something. Almost as if she knows she wants to be mean to me, and she knows that I can't stand it when she ignores me, so she makes it worse by making it so I see her everywhere. At lunch, in the halls, before school, after school (Sometimes, I get out before she can), whenever she can. I think it is a message saying, "See? You hated it when I was ignoring you, so now I'm gonna ignore you AND let you see what you screwed up."
If she starts kissing guys in front of me, then she knows how to hit a guy hard. Not physically, but emotionally. I was DEAD serious when I said I wish she would have just slapped me. Even in front of the whole school. I would have rather had her prepare a whole assembly, so everybody is watching in the WHOLE FREAKING SCHOOL, and have her slap me, say she hated me, whatever. That would be much less hard on me.
But quite frankly, I think I deserved it. I'm glad she didn't do anything more so far. (Believe me, I've thought of worse.) The worst part of all this is, I was mean to the friends who were trying to help me sort this out. I was rude to ****, one of my best friends who goes to F*********, so I pretty much never get to see her. I was rude to ****'s younger sister, *****, when she was STILL trying to help me, even after I was such a jerk. If I really think about it, I've been mean to all my friends that are GIRLS, I guess it's because **** hates me, and I don't want them to hate me too, so I'm trying to get them to stay away from me.
I think that's all that I wanted to say... but to concluded this...
I'm really smart huh?
****For privacy of the people in this blog entry, please do not tell anybody who the bleeped out name(s) is(are). That is the reason I blocked it out. Do not even tell the actual person that you know who they are, just to be respectful.****


He wasn't mean to all of his girl friends. Thank you very much. Yeah so I thought it was all very depressing anyways. I hope things turn out better for you. GOOD LUCK. LRJOHNSON!! If it makes you feel better you rock my socks.

From Sam

"You rock my socks."
That's my line!

Lol, thank-you "SAM"

Hey, no worries. We're all learning.

ya, thanks.

She was my best friend though, and I have no idea why I did it.....

All well. Too late now.

I'm A friend of sams i just thought i'd say that we all do stupid stuff when compelled by a very strong emotion. Like I have a crush on a guy and sometimes i do stupid stuff because of this and so yeah....... like once my friends where saying stuff like oh hes a stoner and crap like that and they cept doing it so one day i finally yelled at them for it i was willing to give up 3 of my best friends for a guy that i had a crush on who has a girlfriend

I couldn't type anymore so yeah we all do stupid stuff when we have strong emotions so yeah after that story i'm kinda lame yeah....

I doubt anyone normally does something THAT stupid. But you never know. I think I'm over it, (maybe) so don't worry about it.


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